Can I borrow your shoes?

Years ago a new neighbor moved in and complained to her friend that she was miserable because she hadn’t had a manicure since her move. Was she suffering? Absolutely not, but her perception was that she was going without something that she was used to, so she was unhappy. When my husband later asked why I had avoided forming a friendship with her, I said that she was a drama queen, and that he would not like her effect on me, should I start spending time with her. He was used to a rather “low maintenance” wife, and we both liked me that way.

Athletes push through pain to achieve greater results and say, “no pain, no gain”. Women know that labor pain is the price paid to bring new life into the world, and those who choose to give birth find it a price they are willing to pay. The hunger pains associated with missed meals are generally considered very unpleasant, but some religions “fast” to feel closer to God, a choice that sets aside discomfort to achieve a higher purpose. These people would probably not describe their experience as suffering.

American’s have watched from their televisions as celebrities such as Iman, Angelina Jolie, and Oprah Winfrey as well as churches, charities and even American Idol have brought aid and movie cameras to refugee camps and poor villages around the world. Movies, tv shows and commercials have shown us the bloated bellies and insect bitten bodies of children who look years younger than their actual age due to disease and malnutrition. But the truth is, as long as corrupt leaders steal the money that is sent for their personal use, or to fund their military, we’re “shoveling water with a pitchfork” to quote my favorite Peanuts cartoon.

Worldhunger.org reports that out of 925 million hungry people in the world in 2010, 239 million were in Sub-Saharan Africa. They claim that the three factors leading to increased numbers of hungry people since 1997 are “1) neglect of agriculture relevant to very poor people by governments and international agencies; 2) the current worldwide economic crisis, and 3) the significant increase of food prices in the last several years which has been devastating to those with only a few dollars a day to spend.” (2012 World Hunger and Poverty Facts and Statistics)

In June of 2011, the United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) reported that an estimated 10 million people from parts of Ethiopia, Somalia, Kenya, and Uganda were suffering their worst drought in 60 years (UN News Centre, 28 June 2011, un.org) This, they say, has caused a severe food crisis, and increased the number of refugees to Kenya and Ethiopia to an average of 15,000 per month. They reported that almost half of the children arriving from southern Somalia were malnourished. The UN requested $525 million in aid for Kenya alone, but by the date of their report had received only about half that amount.

Droughts, famine, disease, poverty, lack of education, social customs and political corruption have all had long term and widespread effects on the region. The OCHA report stated that, “While conflict has been a fact of life for them for years, it is the drought that has taken them to a breaking point.”

Is the suffering less when one is surrounded by others in the same situation? Those who have lost a loved one often find comfort when someone who has suffered a similar loss shares their experience. Somehow, the similarity of the circumstance allows the burden to be eased by someone who understands. Does this phenomenon carry over to victims of starvation? If your older sibling already died, and another child lies beside you with a similar story to tell, does the situation become normal? Spinning the situation around, is it possible for someone with enough food, and living in a safe American suburb to suffer? Does the pain seem worse when surrounded by those who don’t appear to share the same circumstances?

"The word ‘starve’ is so emotionally loaded," said Dr. Perry G. Fine, vice president of medical affairs at Arlington, Virginia’s National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. "People equate that with the hunger pains they feel or the thirst they feel after a long, hot day of hiking.” After 25 years in the field, Dr. Fine says that his patients have told him “that when they stop eating and drinking, there’s nothing unpleasant about it — in fact it can be quite blissful and euphoric." (Source: redOrbit (http://s.tt/160xM)). Granted, there is a huge difference between an end-stage cancer patient who chooses to stop eating and a child who has been malnourished their entire life and faces death by starvation, not by choice but by circumstance.

A couple of years ago I had a pain in my side for about a week before I finally went to the Emergency Room. After looking online, I thought that the only explanation for the mild discomfort I felt was appendicitis. The ER personnel stated that I was in much too good a mood to have appendicitis. I told them that I never felt labor pains with any of my three eight-plus pound babies until about an hour before giving birth, and that I thought I had a fairly high threshold for pain. It wasn’t until an MRI confirmed my suspicions that they rushed me to the OR for an emergency appendectomy. Circumstances that others typically find extremely painful have seemed quite bearable to me. Perhaps I’m wired differently, but I believe that pain and suffering are not absolutes, that perceptions can and do vary.

Teens today love to use the term “Drama Queen”, but who are we to judge how another perceives pain, whether physical, emotional, spiritual or social? So, to my daughter’s Facebook friend who says that a teen in the suburbs can’t possibly suffer, I say, just because you don’t understand or feel the same way, doesn’t mean that there is no pain. And sometimes, a lack of complaint doesn’t mean that aid is not needed, desired or deserved. The most common experience of mankind is that we all feel pain. What a better place this would be if we did not inflict it on one another.

My perspectives have collided

For years, my poor extended family has heard me criticize hunting, the NRA, the “right to bear arms” and any lifestyle or philosophy that includes owning or using firearms. But this week I have changed my tune. I guess it really dates back to 9-11. Ever since then, I support whatever it takes to keep the terrorists far away from me and mine. I think of it as a dose of reality, but maybe I just have more loved one’s to be concerned for, and realize that the safety I demand has its price.

Even though there have been several members of my immediate and extended family who have worked in law enforcement (including the military and federal government), I have not taken a lot of time to consider the ramifications to them, of my peace of mind.

Those who have sworn to protect and defend are never off-duty. In fact even when going to Disneyland with their family, in their plain clothes, our police officers are required by law to carry a concealed weapon and be prepared to step in if the need arises. So there is actually no such thing as a day off.

According to the FBI’s 1993 edition of “Law Enforcement Officers Killed and Assaulted”, an annual publication, 70 city, county and state officers were “feloniously killed in the line of duty”, and 66,975 were assaulted, while either on or off-duty, and enforcing the law. So why would anyone want to enter this line of work? Luckily, there are still those in our society who are not so selfish that they refuse to put others before themselves.

In 2009, an off-duty law enforcement officer was able to prevent a bank robbery inside my local grocery store. While doing his shopping, he heard the commotion as three suspects held up the bank. Because he was off-duty he was able to blend in with the rest of the shoppers. He confronted one of the robbers, who had headed down one of the aisles, with his concealed weapon. The suspect dropped the bag of money and fled. No one was hurt, all of the money was abandoned in the store, and the story had a happy ending.

I am lucky enough to live in a community that happens to house a lot of law enforcement personnel who actually work for the big city next door. When I moved here 17 years ago, I found out that my city is usually amongst the top five safest cities in America, for its size. It turns out that criminals don’t like to “work” where law enforcement “plays”. And that keeps me and mine safe.

However, there is both a risk and a real cost to that safety. When we built our home, we had a security system installed. It cost us roughly $1,500 to install, and currently runs about $75.00 per quarter to have monitored. Having moved to this “safe city” from another community where crime was exceptionally high, we felt it was money well spent. That’s my cost in dollars. Then there is the risk to law enforcement who would respond if my alarm went off. But here is the risk few ever contemplate: the risk assumed by the family of law enforcement. They know that mom or dad is at risk every day as they leave to go to work. But the rest of the family is at risk, too.

Many years ago my neighbor decided to go to law school. She enjoyed it, and decided to practice family law. The next thing I knew, there was a “For Sale” sign in her front yard. She had been counseled to move to a neighborhood with “gates”, because someone who might feel wronged by her work could target her home and family. Another friend, whose husband worked for the CIA, told me when I mentioned that her “gatekeeper” was more user friendly than the usual automated system, that her husband had been advised to live behind gates because of his profession. A schoolteacher said the same thing. We live in an increasingly violent world, and some of its inhabitants are targets.

How many law enforcement personnel have the income necessary to live behind gates? Especially for those just starting out, the pay is not that generous. But there is another risk that exists every minute that the officer is off-duty. That is the risk of having a firearm in the home. If officers are required by law to carry a concealed weapon whenever they leave the house, that means that the weapon needs to be loaded, safety switch off, and within reach at all times. That same gun is also within reach of their children. If the safety switch is on, the weapon is useless.

“Oh, please ignore me while I fumble around,” they might as well say to the bad guys.

How many crimes would be prevented that way? How many lives are saved each year because a cop was prepared? There are no statistics for that one, only those to tell us how many died. So what do you call an unarmed cop? Law Wishfulness?

Last weekend a police officer in Washington lost his 7 year old daughter when his three year old son accidently shot her with the officer’s concealed weapon. The children were waiting in the car while the parents stopped at the home of an acquaintance. While mom and dad were standing nearby, the little boy got out of his car seat, found the gun, and somehow it went off, killing his older sister. There is an investigation underway, but comments in the online news are vicious. One of the advantages to life in the burbs is that you don’t have to haul the whole crew out of the car just to ring someone’s doorbell. I have taken dinner to many a new mom, and told my kids to “wait in the car”. Or, had them wait while I took in the groceries. Or jumped out of the car to drop a video in the return slot. The list goes on and on. And I’m not alone. Everyone does it. Of course these scenarios are a far cry from leaving the kids in the car while going in to the store.

When my son was the same age, we were playing outside, in front of our apartment. There was a gated garden area, but years of neglect and several earthquakes had settled the fencing so that the gate could no longer be latched shut. I would loop wire coat hangers around the top of the gates to keep them closed, but the neighbors usually left the gates open. There was a daycare center across the four lane boulevard from us, and it caught my son’s attention. Before I knew what was happening, he was out the gate and running across the street. I was lucky. There was a lull in the traffic, and he was unharmed. Will you accuse me of being a bad mother now? Unless your pre-schooler is a passive lump, he is probably investigating everything he sees. We do all that we can, but accidents happen.

What will become of this public servant, who was voted by his fellow Police Academy students as the one they’d most like to serve with? Where is the crime? He is required to carry a concealed weapon in public places. On the way to a public place, does he need to holster it to stop at a private home? Are you always within arm’s reach of your toddlers? Kids do things, get into things. They’re curious, and we cannot always predict what they might do.

Here are the options, as I see them:

1. Only hire law enforcement personnel who have no children under the age of 18. The downside is we have a much older police force. Less quick on their feet, and fewer candidates to choose from. Most 40 year-olds already have chosen a career.

2. Don’t allow police to carry concealed weapons. Tell them to leave their “piece” at the office. Home will be safer, but forget going to the post office.

3. Realize that there is a risk to public safety, and when things go wrong we should offer our condolences, not criticism.

4. Move to England, where law enforcement carries no weapons, or Afghanistan, where those who criticize government personnel are shot.

Officer Carlile and his family have suffered the ultimate loss as a result of this accident. He was doing his job, as required by law, and has lost a sweet child, but there is no fault in an accident. Let’s share, then try to wipe his tears, not cause them.